The One Where Bones Is In Danger
by jemb
Summary: Do you ever get tired of all those clichéd fanfiction plots? Well, here's a refreshing change! Read on to find out, and let us know what you think! We hope you enjoy. UPDATED WITH CHPT 4...FINALLY
1. Chapter 1

**_We suck at summaries but read our story anyway. And please be gentle! It's full of fluff and angst and romance and danger and everything you want in a story. Oh and Bones get kidnapped...again._**

**_Authors Notes_**

**_Jemb: My first co-written story and done with two of the best, Elvawen and Niah1988_**

**_Niah1988: Yet another co-written story. This time I've joined forces with Jemb and Elvawen, both amazing writers. I hope you enjoy the first chapter. Read and review, and we'll give you loads of cookies!_**

**_Elvawen: My first co-written story! SO much fun to write, and jemb and niah are amazing. XD Review please!_**

Bones woke with a start, her beautiful crystal shining bright sparkling ocean like blue eyes popping open. She immediately rolled off the small couch in her office and walked over to her desk, fresh as a daisy.

"Hmm, I seem to have fallen asleep at work again. I guess I should get the spare clothes I keep here for just that reason and go have a shower." Tempe spoke out loud even though no one was in her office or the lab. After all, it was only 5am.

Fifteen minutes later she pulled on her sexy blue lab coat and went to the platform where a set of bones lay out on the table. As she leaned over the table to scrutinise the bones, her brilliant mind was suddenly distracted by thoughts of her partner Seeley Booth and just how much she loved him, or didn't, or did but wouldn't admit it, or really didn't and was just teasing everyone by pretending like she did but didn't.

XxXxXxXxX

At 9am, Angela came bounding into the lab, jumping up and down squealing. "Sweetie, Oh my God! It's Wednesday morning. Sweetie, I am so excited!"

"Morning Angela." Brennan nodded, not taking her eyes off the bones laid out before her; because they were _so_ much more interesting than a real live person.

"Sweetie, aren't you excited? Booth might come by today. Sweetie, you and Booth are so meant for each other. I'm going to make it my life's mission to get you two together, sweetie." Angela rubbed her hands together as she formulated a plan to get Booth and Brennan to spend some time together and admit their real feelings.

"Booth and I are just partners. I don't think of him that way." _Or do I, or do I not and just pretend that I don't while pretending that I do? Is anyone else confused????_ Bones took a moment to look at her friend who was still bouncing up and down.

"I like your costume Angela." Brennan commented on the apparent school-girl outfit Angela was wearing. "I didn't realise it was Halloween."

"It's not, sweetie." Angela replied, confused by the comment. "Don't you just love it?" She twirled in a circle making the skirt flare out a little. "Sweetie, I think it suits me perfectly. You know how much I like to dress to suit my personality."

XxXxXxXxX

A little later Seeley strode into the lab and marched right up to the platform where Brennan was working on yet another set of bones. Despite spending all morning debating with herself her true feelings for her partner she had managed to identify a civil war soldier, inform his relatives and pay for a burial since they were too poor to afford one themselves.

"Tempe, we have a new case. I need to whisk you away so you can change into that sexy blue jumpsuit and make observations about a gross looking body while I pretend to understand what you say."

"No Seeley, I have lots of work to do. I can't just drop everything when you walk in here with a new case."

"Come on Tempe, what's so important that it can't wait?"

"I have to sign some forms so that some lab technician we've never mentioned before can go on vacation."

"Awe honey, that wounds me." Booth held both his hands over his heart.

"I'm still not going with you." Bones glared.

"Then I'll have to make you." Booth stepped over to Bones, grabbed her arm and slung her over his shoulder like she weighed no more than a feather. Well, given that he hadn't seen her much that week and she never ate unless he made her, she _had_ lost a lot of weight.

"Seeley, what are you doing?" Brennan asked as she checked out his ass.

"Taking you to the crime scene." Booth replied as he strode across the lab with Bones over his shoulder in a fireman's lift.

"Sweetie, this is so romantic. Booth is totally in love with you sweetie!" Angela cooed after them as she jumped up and down and waved goodbye to them.

XxXxXxXxX

Twenty four hours later the case was solved. Bones had identified the skeleton and Booth had tracked down the relatives, interviewed them, established that the victim frequented a bar, visited the bar with Bones who got into a bar fight after a customer told her she was a hottie, interviewed the owner, found that he was having an affair with the woman, talked to the owner's wife and after staring her down in an interview room got her to admit to killing the victim.

Seeley sat on the couch in Bones' office and grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Well, that's another murderer behind bars, Seeley." Brennan yawned.

"All in a day's work, huh T?"

"I suppose you ought to go home so I can sit here and brood in the dark about how much this case has affected me before falling asleep on my couch again."

"I am kinda tired babe. So instead of spending the next twenty minutes telling you that you need to rest and should go home and sleep in your bed, I'm just gonna leave so you can pine after me then drift off into a restless sleep wondering if I love you."

"Goodnight Seeley." Brennan rose to her feet with Booth and walked him to the door. "Say hi to Parker for me."

"Shit, I was supposed to pick up Parker. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to endure another lecture from Rebecca about how terrible a father I am." He shrugged. "Later, Tempe!" he called as he strode through the lab. Brennan stepped back into her office and slid behind her desk into the chair. She knew she should go home but, hell, she hadn't been home in over a week and quite frankly couldn't be bothered.

XxXxXxXxX

It was yet another glorious day at the Smithsonian... uhm, Jeffersonian. Jack and Addy were lurking about; doing nothing in particular since they were only useful whenever there was a case. And even then they were only allowed to open their mouths whenever someone felt the need to hear the word "conspiracy" or just wanted to make fun of Addy's new haircut.

Cam was hiding in the shadows, waiting for a helpless man to pass by so that she could jump him and lure him away from his girlfriend.

And Angela? Well, she was on her way to Bones' office, to torture her with endless questions about how the two minutes phone call with FBEye Candy had gone.

"Sweetie!" she squealed upon entering Tempe's office. "How did that phone call go, sweetie?" Angela skipped over to her friend who was studying herself in the mirror that had magically appeared on her desk.

"I don't know what means," Bones monotonously said. She frowned. "No, that's not it." She cleared her throat and pressed her hand against her chest. "I… don't know… what that… means…" Tempe shook her head. "That's not it either." She paused for a few seconds, before she threw her hands up in the air, widened her eyes, and exclaimed in an exasperate voice "I don't know what that means!" This time she smiled; she even giggled. "That's it. Let's try that again." Her face became serious again right before she threw her hands up and loudly said "I don't know what that means!"

"Uhm… Sweetie? What are you doing, sweetie?"

Bones quickly put the mirror away. "I was trying to write another chapter for my book, but I got a little side-tracked."

Angela nodded her head in understanding, while chewing on her ever-present chewing gum. "Writer's block again, sweetie?"

Her friend shrugged. "Yeah, but it'll be gone by the time Booth gets here, and since we're having a conversation about him, I expect him to burst into my office in about…" She checked her watch. "Three… Two… One…"

"Hey sweetheart, we've got another case!" Seeley chirped, bursting through the door.

Bones sat up straight. "Oh goody, my writer's block has suddenly vanished! Don't throw me over your shoulder just yet, Seeley; a brilliant idea has just hit me! I'm going to write a steaming sex scene between my two main characters. A scene that is, of course, based entirely on you, me and your _huge_ equipment!"

Her partner flashed her a charm smile. "Okidoki, Tempe. Write all you want. I'm just going to stand here, in the middle of your office, looking as handsome as ever, while you write about us."

"Ooh," Angela cooed. "You do that Boothy dear, and then I'll just lie down at your feet here to worship you."

Booth took on a couple of heroic stances while Bones frantically tapped away on her keyboard. Five minutes later she saved her document and sent her partner a bright smile. She only preserved her glares for Cam, her stinky rival.

"Done," Bones announced.

Booth came out of his macho stance and grinned at her. "Did you change our names to the ones of the characters? Remember your editor's face when he read about Seeley and Bones going at it instead of Andy and Kathie."

"Good point." Tempe quickly made the changes to her document. Then she turned her attention back to her partner. "I'm ready to go, Seeley. Just throw me over your shoulder and we'll be on our way."

Booth flashed her yet another charm smile. He couldn't remember the last time he had given her a regular smile. It always had to be one with a high level of charm.

"Throw you over my shoulder? No no, it's Thursday today. And you know what that means? Thursday is…"

"Piggy back day!" Bones cheerfully finished his sentence.

Moment later they exited the lab, Bones happily sitting on Booth's back and cheering him on as if she was a four year old who was riding on her father's back. Angela chewed her gum and adjusted her schoolgirl uniform when Hodgins and Zack approached her.

"Conspiracy," Jack simply said.

XxXxXxXxX

"Tempe, are you okay?" Booth looked at Bones concernedly. She was staring out the window.

"I was just thinking, Seeley," she responded. "I'm fine." But Booth knew her too well to believe her. He waited for her to say something else. "It's just…" she began. "I hate it when people are killed. It's cruel and unfair. I need you here to make me feel better, because I have an emotional breakdown about every single case." Booth nodded understandingly.

"It's all right, Tempe," he said. "I'm right here. It's going to be okay, all right? It's gonna be okay." He took her hand gently and squeezed it. "The comfort sex can wait until later, okay?" Bones nodded, although inside she was disappointed.

XxXxXxXxX

A few minutes later, they arrived at the crime scene. It was a small brown house, quite abandoned-looking. There was a skeleton lying in the yard with the flesh burnt off. Booth took one look at it and doubled over in the bushes, vomiting. However, Bones stepped closer and knelt down in front of it.

"It's female, Caucasian. The last thing she ate was chicken enchiladas, she had two sisters, and she went to Georgetown. Her favourite sport was rugby, although she never played it. She liked to watch it. She had blond hair and brown eyes. She was killed by a man about six feet tall. Cause of death: strangulation." She looked up at Booth. "She also broke her arm when she was three and a half. Her approximate age is 21 years, four months, six days, thirteen hours, six minutes, and—" Bones looked at her watch. "—51 seconds old. 52 seconds. 53. 54. 55. 56…" Booth frowned at Bones.

"Tempe, can you say all that in plain English please? I don't understand your scientific speak." Bones sighed.

"Girl. 21 years old."

"All right, Tempe, sounds good. Let's bring those back to the Jeffersonian. I have to go meet with Cullen, my boss. Even though we haven't seen him in about a year, he's the only boss I've had that we know of, so if we ever need him we just pretend he's here." Bones looked up at Booth.

"Why is the FBI involved in this, anyway? Do they have jurisdiction over here?" Booth looked flustered for a second. He tried to think of something off the top of his head.

"It's um…it's…uh…i—it's…a..." he stuttered. "It's a federal house!" he finally said, triumphantly. Just then, his phone rang. He answered it. "Booth." He paused for a second. "It's Cullen," he whispered to Bones. He turned away, conversing with his boss in a low tone.

When Seeley finished his conversation with Cullen, he snapped his phone shut and turned around, intent on asking Bones a few questions. But she wasn't there. He blinked a few times. _Where did Tempe go?_ he wondered. There was no sign of her.

Yep, Bones had been kidnapped.


	2. Chapter 2

_**So here is chapter 2 of our story. **_

_**A/N:**_

**_Niah1988: _"Right, who thought we had lost our minds when we posted the first chapter? (sees** **a bunch of hands raised in the air) Guess what, it's a parody:P We'd appreciate it if you guys took the time to point out your favourite parts. Thanks."**

**Jemb: I would say something about now but I can't stop laughing at our own work so I'll hand it right over to Elva**

**Elvawen: Yep, it's a parody. Enjoy! xD**

Booth stared at the spot where Bones had magically disappeared from. He frowned. "Tempe?" he asked, but no one answered. Even though the crime scene swarmed with FBI agents, local police, coroners, and CSIs, no one seemed to notice or care that the prestigious Dr. Temperance Brennan had been kidnapped in just a little under .0000000002 seconds from under their very noses. All of a sudden, Booth's phone rang. He answered it, taking a deep breath. "Booth," he said briskly.

"Agent Booth," said a mechanically altered voice. It sounded really evil, because it was mechanically altered. Booth thought briefly about how mechanically altered voices are always evil, and he wondered if there was some sort of organization that protested discrimination against mechanically altered voices that were _not_ evil.

"Where's my partner?" Booth asked. The mechanically altered voice laughed—at least, Booth figured it was supposed to be a laugh. Since it was mechanically altered, its evil cackle sounded more like someone who had choked on a fish while trying to sing opera underwater.

"Muahahaha," said the mechanically altered voice. "I have your partner, Dr. Brennan. If you ever want to see her again, you will drop the case, and leave $50,000 in pennies at a specified location." Booth didn't care about the money, although he realized that obtaining that sort of money would require putting a lot of dollar bills in vending machines. All he wanted was his Tempe back.

"I'll do anything for my Tempe," said Booth.

"I know you will," said the mechanically altered voice. It laughed again. "Muahahaha."

"I want to speak to Tempe," Booth said.

"Okay," said the mechanically altered voice. There were a few seconds of silence, and then Bones came on the phone.

"Hi, Seeley," she chirped. "Are you gonna come rescue me soon? I'm getting really bored."

"Of course, T. Where are you?"

"I'm in a warehouse, um, somewhere," said Bones. "I dunno. It's pretty. Hey, I can see you!"

"What?" asked Booth, confused. He turned around. Across the street was a large warehouse. He saw Bones waving out the window. He flashed another charm smile and waved back. "Okay, I'm coming to rescue you now."

"Good," said Bones.

A few minutes later, Booth burst into the warehouse and shot the mechanically altered voice, who later turned out to be the killer anyway. Bones was sitting in the corner, crying. Each sob wrenched Booth's heart, it was so painful for him to see her scared and vulnerable. Booth almost never saw her scared and vulnerable, except when she was being kidnapped or when something emotional and sad happened. Which, actually, was most of the time, so nevermind.

"Tempe!" he shouted. She looked up.

"Seeley!" she said. "Oh my God, Seeley, I thought you would never come to rescue me. I was so scared for the whole three minutes he had me!" She ran up to Booth and cried on his shirt for a long time.

"Okay, Tempe, it's gonna be all right." Booth hugged her back, glad that she was okay.

---

"Oh Seeley, I really need you to comfort me," Bones sobbed.

Booth gazed at her. Brennan had been sobbing non-stop ever since he had gotten her out of her terrifying situation at the warehouse. The kidnapper had been _this_ close to giving her the tickle torture, something that would've probably gotten Bones in the hospital.

How she did it, Booth didn't know, but somehow Bones managed to cry her heart out without ruining her make-up and at the same time give him directions to her apartment, even though he knew the way to her place better than to his own house.

"Seeley," Bones wailed. "I need you to make me feel better. I keep picturing that awful, awful man coming closer with that feather to tickle my feet. I'm scarred for life!"

"There, there," Booth soothed her. "Everything will be all right, Tempe. Just wait until we get home."

Bones brightened up within two seconds. "Are we _finally_ going to have comfort sex? Yay!"

She wiped away her tears, smearing her lipstick and mascara all over her cheeks and nose in the process. She now looked like the creepy version of a clown. Or like an American Indian who got his war paint on wrong.

Booth gazed tenderly at her and thought _So much for waterproof mascara. Doesn't she look pretty?_

Of course Bones had read his thoughts. She eagerly asked him, "You think I'm pretty, don't you? Tell me I'm pretty, baby, tell me! Even though I've never cared for compliments, I need you to tell me I'm drop dead gorgeous. I need to know what you think of me. Well, what _he_ thinks of me," she giggled immaturely while pointing at Booth's trousers.

In the mean time they had pulled up at Brennan's apartment building. They both stared up at the big flashing neon sign in the shape of an arrow that was pointing at Bones' window.

"Hey baby, do you see that small window up there?" Booth began.

"Yeah…"

"With the red curtains?"

Brennan squinted. "Yeah…"

"And that large neon sign pointing at the window and the banner BONES hanging right next to it?"

"Yeah… What about it?"

"Well, that's your apartment," Booth said smugly. "Am I not clever for noticing those things?"

"Oh Seeley," Tempe sighed. "You're so damn smart. You always see the little things, like that neon sign. I would have missed it if you hadn't pointed it out to me, even though I've got a good pair of eyes and an IQ of over 150."

"That's precisely why you've got me, T." He patted her hand. "I'm the one who drags you by your hairs out of the lab from time to time. I'm the one who feeds you every once in a while. I'm the one who plays the moron whenever you're using squint speak, but is all smart-ass-ish whenever someone uses a pop culture reference, because -let's face it- those aren't your cup of tea."

"Oh oh, I know that one! It means that I don't like tea, but coffee, right?"

"Very good, Tempe. Your pop culture knowledge is improving! Even though it's just an idiom and not a pop culture reference…" He blinked. "Fiddlesticks, now I've forgotten what I was going to say to you."

"You were going to tell me how beautiful I am."

"Oh right… You're _so _pretty, Tempe. You've got _such_ a nice bone-structure. And I _love_ how those blue mascara streaks on your cheeks compliment your eyes. You should wear your make-up like that more often."

Bones nodded. "Point taken. Can we now _please_ get to the good part, the comfort sex?"

"Right… Let's go."

They jumped out of the SUV and practically ran to the entrance door, where Bones insisted on being carried over the doorstep because she wanted to rehearse for the day her partner was going to carry her inside their house after their magical wedding that she had been planning ever since she had laid eyes on him.

A lot of stair cases later -after all, who takes the elevator to the second floor?- they ended up at Bones' front door. Booth fished a set of keys out of his pocket.

"Wow, lots of shiny keys! What are they for?"

"You gave them to me, remember? This one I got after being blown up by your fridge; this one I got after opening up about my past as a sniper; this one I got after rescuing you from the Grave Digger; this one I got after giving you Jasper; this one I got…"

Booth droned on for a good five minutes, recalling each and every single occasion where Bones had forced him to accept a key to her apartment. Eventually, because she wanted to stop his infernal nagging, Bones took out her own key and opened the door.

"Don't pay attention to the mess," she said, gesturing at her furniture covered in a thick layer of dust and cobwebs. "I should really hire a cleaning lady. Or even better, I should move to the lab. I already spent 23.5 hours a day there."

Booth pointed at a large pile of take-out boxes that were infested with cockroaches and were surrounded by a cloud of flies. "Are those the leftovers from the last time I showed up at your door?"

"Yeah, I keep hoping those boxes will grow legs and walk away. That way I don't have to clean it up." Bones shrugged. "Any way, where were we? Oh yes, comfort sex."

They casually strolled into her bedroom where they gazed at each other for a good ten minutes. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Booth tilted his head. "Did you hear something?"

"Those are the crackling sparks flying between us."

"Right… Well, let's get down to business, shall we?"

He took a step closer to her, only to bend over double in pain two seconds later, because Bones had flipped down on the bed and had hit his _huge_ equipment with her shoe while doing so.

"Babe," he wheezed. "I still need that after we're done. How else am I supposed to impregnate you?"

Bones paid no attention whatsoever to him. She squirmed around on the bed; still wearing all her clothes, while moaning, "Oh _Seeley_, this feels _so _good! _Don't_ stop!"

"Umm… T? I haven't touched you yet…"

Bones stopped moaning and looked at him. "Well, what are you waiting for? Let's do this before Angela calls. I've mentioned we're going to a party tonight so she should be here any minute to help me dress because I never seem to find an appropriate outfit by myself."

"Oh right, let's get started then. Wouldn't want Angela walking in on us. Boy, _that_ would be embarrassing!"

"It wouldn't matter. I'm going to fill her in on every dirty detail whenever I see her anyway. Speaking of which, I bet she's going to drop by as soon as we've both come. She can smell sweaty sex miles away, you know. "

Booth shrugged. "Whatever."

He dove onto the bed, shedding his clothes in the blink of an eye. Well, all of his clothes except for his shoes because, honestly, what man thinks of taking off his shoes whenever he's in a hurry and needs to undress? Bones quickly removed her clothes as well, very eager to become "one" with her soulmate.

Moments later they collapsed onto the bed, breathing heavily and sweating like pigs.

"Wow, those were the best five seconds of my life!" Bones exclaimed.

Her words were quickly followed by the sound of the front door being swung open and a loud squeal. "Sweetie, where are you? I just _know_ you had sex with that fine piece of FBI ass, sweetie! Sweetie, denial ain't going to work; I can _smell_ it!" Two seconds of silence. "Sweetie? Don't make me barge into that bedroom, sweetie!"

Bones gave Booth a smirk. "Told you she'd be down here the second we both had an orgasm."

They had just put on their clothes again when Angela broke down the door and skipped to her best friend. "Sweetie, we need to choose your clothes, shoes and make-up. Seeley, sugar, that means you need to get out. Shoo, shoo!"

Angela shoved him out of the apartment before returning to Bones' bedroom to dig through her closet.

"Angela, you're forgetting something."

The artist came up for air, various clothing articles hanging over her shoulders and arms. "What is it, sweetie?"

"I haven't agreed yet to come to that party with you." Angela nodded. "Which means we have to get back to the lab so you can harass me there because, let's be honest, you always stalk me at the lab whenever I refuse to go out clubbing with you."

"Sweetie, you're right. Gosh, you're so smart, sweetie!"

And off they went to the lab; Bones wearing her shirt on backwards since Angela hadn't been there to help her dress after her steamy adventure with Booth and Angela happily skipping along, clutching Brennan's hand tightly since the artist didn't know where Brennan was parked.

---

It seemed like only yesterday the sky was blue, the sun was shining brightly and summer was in full swing. But here Brennan was, running around the lab trying desperately to get away from the reindeer that was chasing her, trying to get her to go to the lab Christmas party. Wait, it was just summer.

"Sweetie, please," the reindeer begged.

"No, I told you no." Bones protested.

"Sweetie, come on. It'll be fun, sweetie," the reindeer persisted, hooves making loud clicking noises on the hard floor of the lab. Brennan darted up the stairs taking them two at a time. "Sweetie, I am not chasing you all around the lab."

"Then stop." Brennan retorted as she reached the mezzanine.

"Sweetie, I can't stop. Sweetie, it's my mission to get you to come to the party and the writers won't let me stop until you say yes," the reindeer panted, exhausted by the chase. "Sweetie!"

Bones paused, turning to look at the flushed red face of the reindeer, enhanced by the bright red nose.

"I suppose I don't have much of a choice, do I?" Brennan asked, planting a hand on her hip. "I don't want you to keel over. Then you couldn't spend the whole party trying to get me and Seeley to kiss."

"Thank you, sweetie," the reindeer gasped. "So you're coming right Sweetie?"

"Well technically I'm already there." Brennan gestured below her where a Christmas party was in full swing in the main lab directly beneath them.

"Oh, right." The reindeer looked down at the merry party goers. She was surprised at how many people were there since she and the rest of the squints were the only people who ever seemed to work in the lab.

"And Angela, where did you get that outfit?" Brennan let her eyes drift up and down her friend who was wearing brown leggings, a brown tank top, matching brown heeled boots and a pair of antlers.

"It's a costume, sweetie." Angela adjusted her crooked antlers and grinned.

"Costume, outfit, costume, outfit. Angela I can't keep up," Bones moaned.

"Sweetie, just come down to the party. Booth is waiting to give you a Christmas present that declares his undying love for you. It's probably a hideous piece of jewellery with an inscription like 'Forever your Knight in Shining FBI Standard Issue Body Armour'." Angela paused and added "Crap, I forgot to add 'sweetie' to two sentences."

"Oh goody, a present from Booth. I can burst into tears and profess my love for him." Bones bounded down the stairs just as the DJ started playing music.

As Brennan crossed the lab, heading straight towards Booth, a familiar song came over the loudspeakers. She met Booth's gaze and both broke into a wide grin. Hot Blooded by Foreigner blasted out and Booth immediately began playing air guitar. Tempe ran over, kicked her leg up in the air and waved her hands up and down playing invisible drums.

"Yeah, kick it, baby." Booth yelled.

"Hot blooded, I'm hot blooded," Brennan screamed out as she danced around the lab, jumping up and down.

Across the lab, Hodgins and Zach pushed their way past the numerous lab techs they never normally see to get to the punch bowl.

"Oooh, Dr Goodman is going to kill you if you spike the punch again," Zach/Zack warned. "Wait Dr Goodman doesn't work here anymore. He went on that 2 month sabbatical a year ago and never came back. Do you think he died?"

"Who cares, no one mentions him anymore anyway." Hodgins shrugged as he threw a liter of pure alcohol into the bright red liquid.

By the time Hot Blooded came to an end, Seeley and Tempe were both flushed and panting from their vigorous dance activity.

"Sweetie, you're flushed. Sweetie, did you and Booth just have sex… again?" Angela asked, appearing from nowhere. As the next song started, Booth reached into his pocket to give Brennan her Christmas present. He stopped suddenly when Hot Blooded started playing.

"Kick it, baby!" he grinned at Brennan. She kicked her leg in the air and spun around, plucking the invisible strings of the bass guitar. Booth launched into lead guitar and began singing along to the song.

Angela stood up on the mezzanine, leaning over to watch Booth and Bones as they stood directly beneath her gazing lovingly into each others eyes.

"Ooooh, my master plan is about to begin," she giggled as she lifted a fishing pole and held it over the railing. Turning the reel she slowly lowered the line with the large clump of mistletoe attached to the end until the line was dangling just above Booth and Tempe's heads.

"Sweetie, Seeley, look." She called down to them. "Sweetie, mistletoe!" she cooed. "Sweetie, now you have to kiss." She wiggled the line above their heads and waited for the magical moment to happen.

Booth leaned towards Brennan. Bones leaned towards Seeley. Agent Booth leaned closer. Dr. Brennan leaned closer. Seeley leaned closer. Tempe leaned closer. Angela giggled. B leaned closer. B no.2 leaned closer. It seemed that the moment the whole lab had been waiting for was about to happen. Then the DJ played another song.

"Hot Blooded!" Booth yelled happily.

"Yeah, Hot Blooded!" Brennan kicked her leg in the air and began jumping up and down in Booth's face.

"Kick it baby!" Booth grinned charmingly. We've already told you, he doesn't **have** another grin anymore.

All of a sudden the lights went dim, a siren went off and all the doors to the lab slammed shut.

"What's going on?" Booth asked, glancing around frantically.

"Oh, don't worry. It's just the automatic 'lock down the lab so we can all be trapped here together over Christmas' alarm." Bones shrugged.

"Hey, where'd everybody go?" Booth looked around, now only seeing Bones, Addy, Jack and Angela.

"Seeley, if we're going to be trapped in here over Christmas and have deep and meaningful conversations about how much we love each other, then have wild passionate sex resulting in me getting pregnant with your babies, we can't very well do that with the whole lab watching can we?" Tempe rolled her eyes.

"Why not?" Booth flashed the charm smile….again.

_**Stay tuned…there's more to come.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Here is the latest chapter of our parody. I think I can speak for Niah1988 and Elvawen when I say how much fun we're having writing this and that we appreciate the reviews you send us. Keep them coming :)_**

A few minutes after the lab went on lockdown, everyone was gathered in a group at the platform in the middle of the lab discussing their current situation.

"Sweetie, this is going to be so much fun." Angela bounced up and down and grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Why Angela?" Brennan asked.

"Sweetie, because we're trapped in here alone with lots of alcohol sweetie. And you know what that means." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and looked directly at Booth and Brennan. They glanced at each other then looked back at Angela.

"What?" They asked simultaneously.

Whilst Angela had been preoccupied making out with Hodgins, Brennan had slipped away to her office. After all, she took every opportunity to work, no matter what else was going on. She sat at her desk in her office and sifted through the three pieces of paper on her desk, surmounting to her work for the week ahead.

"I have so much to do." She groaned and leaned back in her chair.

"Hiya Bones." Booth called cheerfully from the doorway.

"Shouldn't you be out there enjoying the party? I'm sure Angela has come up with at least three versions of truth or dare or twenty questions to play."

"It's not a party when it's me and three squints." Booth shrugged.

"So you're going to bother me instead then?" Brennan glared, making Booth feel guilty for interrupting her intense analysis of the post note on her keyboard.

"You know the drill Bones. We get trapped in an 'insert place', and we have a deep and meaningful conversation." He shrugged. "We're trapped here so I thought we could have that deep and meaningful conversation now and get it out the way so we can party later. It'll save time."

"Oh. In that case…" Brennan rose to her feet and walked around her desk. "Just give me a few minutes to clear all this work off my desk and we can chat." She smiled and turned to her desk, quickly picking an old tattered piece of paper to drop it in the trash can.

"Ouch." She quickly pulled her hand back to her chest and cradled it.

"What's wrong Tempe?" Booth gasped and rushed to her side.

"I got a paper cut." She showed him her bleeding finger, trying to hold back the flood of tears about to burst.

"Oh my God, baby." Booth grasped her hand and examined the tiny cut. "This looks bad. How do you feel? Are you alright?" he fussed over her.

"I don't know, I feel a little strange, dizzy." Brennan held her good hand to her head and closed her eyes.

"You look pale, Tempe. I think you're losing a lot of blood." Booth's face was a picture of worry. "It's alright, I'll take care of you." He swept Brennan off her feet and carried her over to the couch.

"Booth, I…"

"Shhh Bones, you shouldn't talk. You need to save your energy." Booth laid her down on the couch and sat on the edge at her side.

"But I…"

"Shhh." Booth placed his finger over her lips. "Temperance, there's so much I need to tell you, so much you need to know." He said softly. "I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you and you didn't know how I really felt."

"Seeley, there's so much _I_ need to tell _you_." She burst into tears and began to shake as she sobbed.

"Oh God, T." Booth leaned down and pulled her into an embrace, stroking her hair. "If I could only find the right words; the right words to tell you…"

"Sweetie, what's going on sweetie?" Angela burst through the door, interrupting a moment between the partners as usual.

"Bones is hurt." Booth looked at Angela, his eyes filled with fear.

"Sweetie, what happened, sweetie?" Angela rushed to her friend's side.

"She's bleeding, I'm so scared for her." Booth cried.

"I'm cut, there's blood everywhere." Brennan sobbed, gesturing at the tiny drops of blood staining her shirt. Angela looked to Booth, then Brennan, then back to Booth again.

"Have you two been drinking Hodgins' eggnog?"

One hour, lots of anxious pacing around of Booth, twenty band-aids, and more fussing about Bones' health later, Brennan was once again in deep concentration as she studied the memo of one line long.

"Babe, I'm bored," Booth whined.

"Go threaten Zach with your gun then. You always seem to get such a kick out of doing that," she dismissed him.

"No, I wanna do something with _you_. You're the only person I'm interested in whenever I come to the lab."

Bones rolled her eyes a couple of times in a row. "Fine; let's go do something. Got any ideas?"

He racked his brain for a second. "What about we go make out under Angela's mistletoe?"

She seemed to consider this idea for a moment. Then she broke out in one of her regular ear-to-ear grins. "I got an even better idea. Let's have drunken sex!"

Booth wildly clapped his hands. "Great idea, Tempe! Come on, we've gotta get to Hodgins' punch before the other employees miraculously enter the lab and drink it all up!"

The dynamic pair rushed to the platform where Angela, Addy and Jack were standing around, lost as to what to do without their leaders. Without saying a word, Bones dragged Angela and Jack off to Jack's office, while Booth swung a whining Addy over his shoulder and followed her.

"Go do something naughty in here while Booth and I have drunken sex," Brennan instructed her colleagues.

When they closed and locked the door, someone -probably Zach- began hammering his fists against the door, screaming, "No, don't leave me in here with these two! You don't know what they do when you're not around!" A moment of silence. "Aaah, my eyes!"

Booth sniggered. "Looks like they're having fun." He yelled at the door, "Watch them carefully, Addy. You might just learn something!"

Bones approached the bowl of eggnog. "Right, let's drink this baby empty."

Every time she raised her cup of eggnog, she heard Angela cheer, "Bottoms up, sweetie!" Bones dared to glance at the window that had magically appeared next to Jack's office door. Angela was bouncing up and down, waving around a pair of pompoms.

When the eggnog bowl was empty, Brennan poked Booth's side and giggled, "Do you think we're drunk yet?"

"I'm seeing three T's here, so I suppose we are," Booth slurred.

"Good. Where do you wanna do it?"

"Lady's choice," he retorted, making a clumsy curtsy to honour his title of knight in shining standard FBI issued body armour.

"I've always wanted to do it on my office couch, but these metal tables seem pretty comfortable as well."

"I know the answer!" Booth waved her words away with grand gestures. "Let's bring your couch here. Then you can have both ways."

"Splendid idea, Seeley!"

They both staggered off the platform, but not before Brennan had pointed at a pile of bones, giggling madly, "Hehe, skeleton!"

Under loud cheers of Angela, they dragged Tempe's couch onto the platform and began undressing each other. They flopped down on the soft cushions. Bones wrapped her legs around him and asked, "Do you think you could make it last longer this time?"

"I'll try to make it six seconds."

He did as he promised. Six seconds later, they collapsed onto each other, all sweaty. Angela was going crazy behind her window. Tempe and Seeley smiled lovingly at the sight of Angela, foaming at the mouth, trying to break down the door or crack the window with her deafening squeals.

"Come on, T. Let's try out that table, now that we're still drunk."

He gathered her in his strong, muscular arms and set her down on the metal examination table.

"Oh, cold!" Bones shivered as her bare behind touched the metal surface. Then she wrapped herself around Booth again. "Let's try to break your personal record. Let's go for seven seconds!"

"But babe, having drunken sex two times in a row; isn't that dangerous?"

"I'm pretty sure the drunken part doesn't matter. And we're not using a condom; so what?" Bones shrugged. "So what if I get pregnant? I wanna have your babies, Seeley! Lots of 'm! Don't you wanna have my babies too?"

"Sure, T. Sure. Hey, just a thought; aren't we sounding just a tad too coherent to pass as drunks?"

"You're probably right." Tempe cleared her throat and partly slurred, partly giggled, "Ready, Seeley?" right before she pulled him on top of her. "Make mad love to me while singing Hot Blooded!"

They had just finished their second round of wild, drunken lovemaking when Angela managed to break down the door. Waving madly, her reindeer hooves clicking on the floor, she rushed over to her favourite pair.

"You did it, sweetie! You jumped him, sweetie! Gosh sweetie, I'm SO proud of you, sweetie! I'm sure it's the best sex you've ever had, sweetie!"

"Yeah, it was earth shattering," Bones mumbles.

As if to emphasize her point, the metal examination table the two were lying on, made an awful cracking sound right before it collapsed, taking the couple down with it.

"Ah bummer, no more table sex," Bones mumbled. They stared at the broken table for a while, until Booth spoke.

"D'you think maybe we could try and escape?" he asked. Bones shrugged, suddenly sober again.

"We probably should, I think we've gotten all of the wildly drunken sex we can out of this situation." They all stood in awkward silence.

"So…how do we get out of here?" asked Angela. In response to her question, everyone immediately swivelled their heads to look at Jack and Addy.

"I'm sure Jack and Addy could come up with some chemical concoction that we've never heard of and blow us out of the lab," Bones suggested.

"That sounds like a good idea," said Booth. Jack and Addy nodded, then disappeared into some lab room so they could experiment.

Five minutes later Hodgins returned, waving some test tube and yelling. "I got it!" Everyone glared at him for a while for speaking out of character, since what he said didn't have to do with a) conspiracies or b) dirt. He stopped in front of everyone, breathless. "I figured out that when you add the right amount of Laxyocidineial juice to kiwi extract, mix it with mango yogurt and diffuse the solution with hydroaxelporenic acid, you get…" He paused dramatically.

"A chemical reaction that will blow the lab door open and let us escape from here so Seeley and I can go home and have more awkward sex?" asked Bones excitedly. Hodgins shook his head.

"No, a creamy mixture that will taste great in a fruit smoothie!" He grinned and then rushed back to the lab to experiment more.

Ten minutes later, he came rushing back again. "I got it this time! This will get us out of here! If you take just the right amount of dioxyhydrosulfuricmononucleopneumoniavolcanoeiosismitosisized acid, mix it with a bit of lemon zest and a hint of vanilla bean, add cinnamon, cream of tartar, and Tabasco sauce, pour the resulting solution into a boiling beaker of ribonucleoizedpheromonic acid, then bake for 15 minutes until light brown and crispy around the edges, you will have the right sort of explosion needed to break us out of the lab." Booth stared at him.

"Gosh, if I didn't know better, I'd say that almost sounds made-up!" he exclaimed. Hodgins just grinned and set his concoction down on the floor.

"Ready?" he asked. Everyone knelt down and covered their heads.

Then there was a huge explosion.

When Bones opened her eyes, she was lying on the grass in the garden of the Jeffersonian institute, bits and pieces of the lab lying around her. Miraculously, everyone had survived the explosion. She looked around for Booth, and caught his eye. He stood up and helped her to her feet, like the knight in shining FBI standard-issue body armor that he was.

"Thank you, Seeley," said Bones. He smiled.

"Of course, T. After all, I am your knight in shining FBI standard-issue body armor."

"I know, Seeley." Bones sighed dreamily. "Are you ready to go now?" Booth nodded.

"Of course I am, Tempe. I have Parker for the weekend, and he'll be very excited to see you. He loves you a lot, because…well…" Booth tried to think of something. "Because, uh…"

---


	4. Chapter 4

**_Sorry it's been so long since this story was updated - but I promise you it will be worth the wait. I'll go out on a limb and say you probably won't be able to keep a straight face while reading this._**

Bones and Booth arrived at Booth's house, where Rebecca and Parker were waiting for them. "Dr. Brennan," said Rebecca coldly. Extremely jealous of Booth's gorgeous partner, Rebecca glared at Bones for a little bit. Bones glared back at her. After they were done exchanging meaningful glares, Booth glared at Rebecca for a while. Parker, completely oblivious to Glarefest 2007, jumped around excitedly when he saw Bones.

"Dr. Bones!" he shouted, running up to her and hugging her leg.

"Parker!" exclaimed Bones, who was equally excited. Although she disliked children and had met Parker less than ten times in her entire life, she loved him. Booth watched happily as Bones chatted with Parker. She reached into her bag to find some presents that she had brought for him, and he was delighted when she pulled out some board games and a real live puppy!

"You're the best, Dr. Bones!" Parker said enthusiastically, although since he had some sort of speech impediment it came out as "Wurtha beth!" Bones understood, though.

"So what do you want to do today, Parker?"

"Go to the zoo!" shouted Parker, bouncing up and down and dropping his puppy on the floor in the process. "Zoo! Zoo!" Parker yelled, although it was coming out more like "Thoo! Thoo!"

"Okay, Parker, that sounds like a good idea," said Bones.

"Yay!" shouted Parker. "Daddy, we're goin to the thoo!" Booth frowned.

"The 'thoo'?" Bones looked up.

"Oh, he's trying to say 'zoo'." Booth nodded in understanding.

"Ah. Okay, let's go to the zoo." Booth, Bones, and Parker all left for the zoo, leaving Rebecca, the puppy, and a couple of board games standing there bewildered. The puppy scampered away after a few seconds, but that was okay since everyone had forgotten about it anyway, and Bones would most likely buy Parker a penguin or a giraffe or something from the zoo.

Parker, Bones, and Booth finally arrived at the zoo, after a long car ride and Parker talking nonstop about his _favwit animalth_. Parker clung to Bones and held her hand tightly as they stood in line. He jumped up and down and became more excited as they neared the front of the line.

"Doctor Bones, we're gonna see the animalth! Like the giwaffeth and the monkeyth and the elephanth!" Booth frowned, looking to Bones for translation.

"Oh, he means the giraffes and the monkeys and the elephants," whispered Bones to Booth.

"Ah," said Booth. "Yes, that's right, Parker!" Parker grinned.

"I luff the animalth!" he said.

---

Parker was still clinging to Bones and holding her hand as they walked through the zoo. Booth tagged along behind them, watching Parker chatter on about how much he loved the zoo, and the animals, and Dr. Bones, and the skeletons at the lab, even though he'd never been there.

"Hey Daddy?" Parker turned around, looking for Booth.

"Yeah, Parker?" Booth answered wearily.

"Are you gonna marry Dr. Bones?" Parker asked. It came out as "Aww oo gonna mawwy Doctow Boneth?" Booth glanced at Bones.

"What did he say?" he whispered.

"He wants to know if you're going to marry me," whispered Bones. Booth shrugged.

"Well, Parker, that's a question intended to create a really awkward situation with a level of sexual tension so high that Angela's nose would probably go into sensory overdrive."

"I know, Daddy! That's why I asked! Everyone knows that the only reason I exist is because I'm a plot device with the sole purpose of moving your relationship with Dr. Bones along." Booth turned to Bones.

"What did he say?"

---

A while later, Booth, Bones, and Parker McPlotDevice were finished looking at the animals, and they were in the gift shop. Parker was busy running along the shelves, pulling off each and every single toy that even seemed remotely 'cool', because Dr. Bones would buy him anything. Bones and Booth were awkwardly standing in the middle of the room.

"Tempe, I—"Booth began, but he stopped.

"Yeah, Seeley, I…" said Tempe.

"You do?"

"Well—"

"I mean—"

"Yeah," they both finished simultaneously. The awkward moment had passed. Parker came running up to them with an armful of toys.

"Wow, Parker! That's a lot of toys!" said Bones, pulling out her wallet.

"Oh, this is only the first load, Dr. Bones!"

**_Cut to a new scene because we can't be bothered to write a link - sue us, we don't care...and have no money_**

The FBI ball was in full swing with a fantastic live band playing hip music so everyone could dance.

"Hey Sweetie." Angela nudged her friend as they stood near the stage to watch.

"Yes Angela?"

"Sweetie, you should get up on stage and sing a song for Booth sweetie."

"Why?" Bones asked.

"Sweetie, because you have such a beautiful voice and after your awkward sex sessions, it would be the perfect way to tell Boothy how you feel sweetie."

"That's a great idea Angela." Tempe grinned and left her friend's side to go over to the stage. After whispering something in the ear of the bass guitarist, Bones carefully stepped up onto the stage and made her way to the centre where she pushed the lead singer out of the way and grabbed the microphone.

"Good evening everyone." She spoke. The whole room was drawn to her and the 'Vegas dress'. "I'd like to dedicate a song to my true love, Seeley Booth." The band started the music and Brennan began to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings", the Bette Midler version.

So I was the one with all the glory,  
while you were the one with all the strength.  
A beautiful face without a name for so long.  
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Seeley stood transfixed by the vision before him. Bones was singing only to him, her wide arm gestures and off key voice telling him how she really felt.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?  
You're everything I wish I could be.  
I could fly higher than an eagle,  
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

As Bones continued her serenade, her voice grew louder and more powerful. She removed the microphone from the stand, held it tightly in her hands and warbled on, declaring her undying love.

Finally the song came to an end, much to the relief of the crowd, most of whom were holding their hands over their ears to filter out what sounded like someone standing on a cat's tail. When the band played the last note, a few claps were heard but the most noise was coming from Seeley who cheered and shouted from the front of the crowd.

"That's my Bones!" he yelled. "Go baby!" Bones grinned from ear to ear and made her way to her man. But before she could say anything he jumped up on stage and grabbed the microphone himself.

"I want to sing a song for my Bones." He looked lovingly at his partner and signalled for the band to play Enrique Iglesias' "Hero".

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?  
Would you run and never look back  
Would you cry if you saw me crying  
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?  
Would you laugh oh please tell me these  
Now would you die for the one you love?  
Hold me in your arms tonight?

Like Booth before her, Tempe stared up at her partner as he sang just for her. His monotonous tone was music to her ears and she clasped her hands together, grinning.

_Would you swear that you'll always be mine?  
Would you lie would you run away  
Am I in to deep?  
Have I lost my mind?  
I don't care you're here tonight_

_I can be you hero baby  
I can kiss away the pain  
I will stand by you forever  
You can take my breath away_

_I just want to hold you _

_I just want to hold you  
Am I in too deep?  
Have I lost my mind?  
Well I don't care you're here tonight_

As Booth closed the song, Bones ran over to the side of the stage and hugged him as he came down the steps.

"Let me be your hero T." Booth said seductively. Brennan shrugged.

"Okay."

"Oooh baby." Booth swept her into a hug before Tempe pulled back with a sparkle in her crystal blue eyes.

"I'm going to sing you another song." Tempe announced. She leap back up on stage, now perfectly comfortable in her heels, and grabbed the microphone one more time. The crowd groaned audibly as the band struck up another song.

Bones launched into what could only be described as a _unique_ version of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On", as Booth once again watched the love of his life perform. When she was done he felt his declaration was inadequate and knew there was only one thing he could do. With the microphone in one hand, he proclaimed his intentions for their relationship to Meatloaf's "I'd do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)".

By this time the crowd was talking amongst themselves, trying to tune out the vomit inducing musical talents of Special Agent Seeley Booth. But when he finished singing his song, it wasn't over. Extending a hand to Tempe, he brought her on stage for the big finale. Gazing into each others eyes, the pair sang "Up Where We Belong" by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes. They stared into each others eyes the whole time, oblivious to the crowd who by now, had begun throwing the Hor'deurves at them. All except Angela, Hodgins and Zach that is. Zach was busy analysing the anthropological basis for the behaviour while Hodgins tried to whisper sweet nothings into Angela's ear. It was difficult because she was jumping up and down and squealing the whole time.

Later, when the band had finally regained control of the stage, Bones began to feel a little nauseous. She slipped away from the crowd to go to the bathroom. Careful not to ruin her dress, Tempe kneeled on the floor in the bathroom, hugging the toilet as she threw up.

"Sweetie, what's wrong sweetie?" Angela burst in, sensing from all the way in the grand hall that Brennan wasn't well.

"I'm being sick. I must have had too much to drink." Brennan rolled her eyes, wondering why Angela was asking when it was obvious what was wrong.

"Sweetie you're not sick, you're pregnant sweetie." Angela beamed.

"What?" Brennan looked up at her friend. "Why would you think that?"

"Sweetie, you had sex with Booth sweetie." Angela stated.

"Huh?"

"Sweetie, you had sex with Booth. Therefore, the only logical conclusion for your nausea is that you're going to have his babies sweetie. Ooooh sweetie, there's going to be little Seeley's and little Bones' running around sweetie." Angela jumped up and down and clapped her hands together.

"What? I can't be pregnant!"

"Sweetie, you _just_ told Booth you _wanted_ to have his babies." Angela cocked her head looking at Bones with confusion.

"Right, sorry, forgot about that." Bones replied sheepishly.

"Sweetie, I have a pregnancy test here you can take sweetie." Angela reached into her purse and pulled out a white box.

"Angela, why do you have a pregnancy test in your purse?"

"Sweetie, I always carry this sweetie. I needed to be prepared for when you and Booth finally had sex sweetie."

After peeing on the stick, Tempe fought her way through the crowd with Angela in tow to where Booth, Jack and Addy were standing. Bones clutched the white stick in her hand, still annoyed that she had to leave the bathroom before they got the result just because of some drunken women who needed to puke.

"Where have you two been?" Seeley asked.

"Bathroom." Both women replied. Suddenly a countdown began over the PA system. The crowd joined in all around them.

"Ten…nine….eight…"

"Wait, it isn't New Year's already is it?" Booth asked, looking around at the chanting crowd.

"No, I don't think so." Zack shook his head.

"Seven….six…"

"What are we counting down to then?" Jack asked, looking around at the room. A man beside him poked him on the arm.

"We're counting down to the pregnancy test result." He grinned.

"Five….four…"

"Pregnancy test?" Booth asked.

"Oh yeah. I think I'm pregnant with your babies Seeley." Brennan held out the white stick.

"Three…"

"Sweetie, only two seconds until we find out for sure sweetie."

"Two…"

"Oh my God T." Booth met her eyes and stared lovingly into them.

"One." The room fell silent and everyone turned to Bones and Booth as they looked down at the stick.

"Sweetie? Are you having Booth's babies sweetie?" Angela jumped up and down as Bones and Booth looked down at the white stick.

"…………………………………Yes." They replied simultaneously.

"IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Angela's scream shattered all the champagne glasses in the room and rattled the large crystal chandelier over their heads.

"Baby, we're gonna have babies." Booth swept Brennan into his arms and spun her around in a circle.

**_Be kind, rewind...kidding lol Just leave a review if you liked it :)_**


End file.
